Mr. Meatball Is At It Again

Just when I was ready to let the healing begin, up pops our favorite "Global CEO" again with some grade-A, artisanally curated bullshit that just can't be ignored.

If you remember, a few days ago we skewered this guy for his self-aggrandizing claim that Steve Jobs was successful because Steve applied the same principles that Mr. Meatball advocates. As we showed, nothing could be further from the truth.

Yesterday, he was back in the news, this time in The Guardian, claiming that "Marketing is dead. Strategy is dead. Management is dead."

Of course, the " ________ Is Dead" gag is the oldest trick in the self-promotion book. Nitwit reporters just can't resist it. And if you're a whore for cheap ink, there's no better way to get yourself some than to claim that something is dead.

Unfortunately for Mr. Meatball his "this-is-dead, that-is-dead" bullshit is years past its sell-by. We've all heard this crap so many times before that this pathetic attempt to be controversial sounds like something borrowed from a rookie planner's 2009 powerpoint.

As you might expect, the reason all this stuff is dead is related to the insufferable "people love brands" nonsense. You see, as The Guardian reported it....

Business is now all about creating a “movement” of people with shared values, he enthuses from his suite at London’s luxurious Bulgari hotel, without even a hint of a smirk.

“You do that by figuring out how you add mystery, sensuality and intimacy to a brand ... Sensuality: we feel the world in five senses. Whether you like this room or not, [the architect] Antonio Citterio designed it and all five senses are at work in here. I mean, people want to lick this table.”

Yeah, lick this.

But, you know, maybe this guy is right.

Maybe people with shared values want to start a movement behind  their socks and their chairs. And their pickles, and their half-and-half, and their mayonnaise, and their cookies, and their tires, and their chewing gum, and their toothbrush, and their umbrella, and their dishwasher, and their napkins, and their toaster, and their gasoline, and their dental floss, and their paper towels, and their golf balls, and their shoes, and their pillows, and their pencils, and their deodorant, and their books, and their nail clippers, and their furniture polish, and their frozen chicken strips, and their lamps, and their potting soil, and their bathing suits, and their glasses, and their clocks, and their fungicide, and their dishes, and their cat food, and their sun block and their cookie dough, and their motor oil, and their light bulbs, and their burglar alarm, and their ironing board, and their fire insurance, and their coffee filters, and their pillow cases, and their allergy pills, and their mouthwash, and their vacuum cleaner bags...

Yeah. Maybe they don't have to worry about their jobs, or their children, or that thing growing on their neck, or how they're going to pay the rent.

Maybe they don't need to wash the bath tub, or have mammograms, or go to work, or apply for loans, or bail their kids out of juvie, or fold the laundry, or take their parents to the doctor, or vacuum, or make dinner.

Maybe they have unlimited time to develop movements with other people in suites at the Bulgari who share their values about all the companies they buy shit from.

It's an amazing fucking world this meatball lives in. Someday I'd like to visit it.